Monday, November 9, 2009

And as a MILF...

I am going to need to start taking lovers. Obviously, I am going to need to be discreet, so Craig's List is not going to work. This morning on the way to work I heard an add for Ashley Madison. I am going to sign up immediately! BL said I can use his account for now.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Future Goals

I apologize for the absence. I know this is the high point for some of your dreary lives, but this chick has been busy. There is an imminent move and a little parasite feasting on me. Can't find too many things to write about, I just feel stressed. For now I leave you with my goals for next year.

1. make a triumphant return to the Baltimore half
2. be a MILF

Thursday, July 30, 2009

She's gone from suck to blow

The peanut butter nipple has become a penis. Now that is just awkward.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Peanut Butter Nipple

What kind of person does this to peanut butter???

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Down the ocean, hon!

Warm weather has arrived and coworkers are starting to head to the ocean on the weekends. Really I don't care what my coworkers do on their weekends, but I do have one simple request. Please, stop bringing saltwater taffy back like it is some wonderfully thoughtful gift because no one likes saltwater taffy. No matter which color you choose they all taste like sugar with a hint of sugar and a side of artificial flavorings and colorings. My advise is either bring me back some Fisher's popcorn or even better just bring me back nothing because honestly, when I go down the ocean this summer I'm not going to waste my money on you.

Friday, May 29, 2009

La cucaracha, la cucaracha

The start of Loaf family Eurotrip was inauspicious. We arrived at the airport at 12:30 and it took 40 plus minutes to check our luggage. We then cruised (relatively speaking) through security and headed to our gate. We arrived at the gate with an hour to spare and settled in to await boarding. Well 2:30 rolls around and though our flight is scheduled to leave in 7 minutes our plane has not arrived. It seems our flight is still sitting on the runway in Philly. We are informed that the plane will be in the air momentarily and should arrive in B'more by 3:30. Then all hell breaks lose. The skies open up and we are told the "ramp" has been closed. The "ramp" we learn is airline lingo for the runway and that means that though are flight did leave Philly it is now stuck circling BWI. Finally around 4:30 the skies clear and the plane lands. Our connecting flight from Philly does not leave until 6:30, so we still have time. Then we find out the "ramp" in Philly is shut down and will not open for at least an hour. At this point, we are being told to call customer service and get our flights rescheduled. I am not even going to try to explain the chaos at the ticket counter as 4 flights are cancelled and 4 flights of angry would-be passengers start an uprising. Luckily, we were able to get an extremely helpful customer service agent on the phone and are rebooked on the same flight out of Philly tomorrow evening. So we tell them to pull our luggage off the plane and head home in defeat. The good news is I get to sleep in my own bed tonight and tomorrow we will DRIVE to Philly and head for Europe. The bad news is when I opened my carry-on to get my purse a huge roach crawled out. Oh yeah, one monster roach had snuck in my bag. I am going to shower now because I think I have been contaminated.

La cucaracha, la cucaracha
Ya no puede caminar
Porque no tiene, porque le falta
Marijuana que fumar.

Ya la murio la cucaracha
Ya la lleven a enterrar
Entre cuatro zopilotes
Y un raton de sacristan.

PS - hopefully when most of you read this I will be on a flight to Europe otherwise I may be in Philly and in need of bail because I might lose it if we miss our flight again.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Aerial application

Minerva has suddenly lost her fear of BL and has taken to spending time in his lap. This of course, annoys the crap out of me because she is my cat and is suppose to only have contempt for others. When BL works from home, he and Minerva have a new morning routine. Minerva will jump into his lap and let him pet her, while BL checks his emails and has his morning coffee. This is amazing for a couple of reasons; 1.) Minerva use to fear BL and 2.) BL sits on a bar stool at the kitchen island and that is a pretty high jump for Minerva, who is not very agile or graceful. This routine would be bad enough, but now Minerva is even snuggling with BL while we watch TV. The other night BL was on the couch watching TV and I was curled up in the chair reading. Usually my being in the chair reading is enough to entice Minerva to come sit with me. She is very jealous of the time I spend with books, so much so that she will usually try to sit on the book, so I won't be distracted from my main job of petting her. This evening though, BL patted the couch and called for Minerva and she jumped up onto the couch with him and being a the slutty cat that she is, she even started to purr. I, being a mature adult, pouted and called the cat mean names before returning my attention to my book. About 30 minutes later, Minerva decided that she was done with BL and would come snuggle with me. But here is the best part, as she left left BL's lap she crop dusted him with one of her special warm bologna farts. Now I see that Minerva was only luring BL into complacently before she enacted her revenge. I have trained her well.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Thank you FX

Snakes on a Plane

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!

Snakes on a Plane on FX

Enough is enough! I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-Friday plane!

Really, they could not come up with something better? Just bleep it out!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


Here is an email exchange from the two neanderthals I have as roommates (Yes, I just downgraded my husband to a roommate).

R sends:
On CNN news, right before they went to commercial:

"You're about to meet a woman with a good idea"

It sounded funnier than the quote, like the mere fact a woman has an idea is a news story.

BL responds:
That's awesome! And very rare.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Thoughts while watching the Terps suck it.

What if a couple got into the Cash Cab and thought it was Taxi Cab Confessions?

What does it mean to jam in your shoe?

Friday, March 6, 2009

This long distance dedication goes out to Alyssatard in H-Town

While waiting in line for some after race snacks, we ladies started discussing the merits of the running skirt. Now some girls scoff at the idea of the running skirt believing that real runners would never wear one. Well these girls are obviously misinformed twats because I happen to know a certain ultra-marathoner who rocks out the running skirt. Not only is the running skirt comfortable you also look super cute. I am taking creative license with some of this because who can really remember a conversation they had 3 weeks ago...

EL: I love my running skirt. I wore it during 2 halves and it rocks.
A: Running skirts dece to dece plus!
EL: Mine just has spanks under it, so it's like running in your underwear.
A: Running in your underwear is awes! !

Then things got strange when the lady behind us joined the conversation. Let's refer to her as CT.

CT: I really like running skirts, but I can't wear them because of my camel toe.

I think that pretty much ended the conversation and we all refrained from eye contact because we were about to lose our shit. I just wish I informed CT that it was not a camel toe that was her problem, but more likely moose knuckle.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

New Music Tuesday

The third and most anticipated album by COTVD is regrettably the worst. French mountain music is a bit overplayed and nothing surprises us with their latest effort. It’s time to hang up the hurdy gurdy.

Cammenga front man Pachento's mastery of the pan flute takes us worlds beyond Machu Picchu and Lake Titicaca to places only seen by ancient Incan astronauts. Put your space suits on and enjoy the ride.

Perhaps the most critically acclaimed album since Our Lady of Egypt Church's sophomore album “I Know I'm Close to Success”; List of Holocausts Survivors' "Encircled by the City of the Living" submerges you directly into the death camps of Nazi Germany and leaves you frail and thin with pleasure.

For more information about these bands and to listen to tracks from the albums click here.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Nom Nom Nom

Wednesday was very stressful for Tricksy and she finally succumbed to her cravings and participated in "Birthday Wednesday". You see, Tricksy's office celebrates birthdays once a month with a lovely display of cakes and other confections. Normally, Tricksy scoffs at this ritual and makes rude oinking noises at those who partake, but this Wednesday Tricksy needed a sugar coma. At precisely 10:30, the email arrived that cakes were in the pantry and Tricksy jumped from her desk and raced to the pantry. She surveyed her choices and decided on a lovely slice of chocolate cake with vanilla icing. Tricksy scurried back to her desk and placed her refined sugar treat to the side and resumed her work. Unfortunately, Tricksye was so busy she did not get a break until 2. Well guess what??? When cake sits on a desk for 4 hours it becomes dried out and nasty. Boo, no cake for Tricksy.

(All names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

2 bananas, 1 peel

I know you can get twins in eggs (double yolks), but has anyone else seen a twin banana??? We picked up a bunch of bananas the other night at Costco. The bunch was in a bag, so I could not thoroughly exam them for bruises, but the price was right, so I took a chance and bought a bunch. When I got home I was super excited to find that the bunch was in good condition and just needed to ripen. I went to hang the bunch on the banana hanger thingy and that’s when I noticed the twin. Very strange, but it was darn tasty in my oatmeal.


Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dinkleberry (dingleberry)

I have been informed that sometimes when boys poo, remnants may get stuck in their ass hair. When this happens, the best remedy is to shower. Unfortunately when one showers the problem-some ass hair absorbs a ton of water and is hard to dry. So what is one to do? You could borrow your girlfriend/roommates/wife's hair dryer, but this could lead to frizzy, split end ass hair. My solution is ShamWow, it is the perfect way to suck the excess water out of your ass hair without causing damage to the individual hair shafts. Please, for the sake of healthy ass hair, run out and buy all the men in your life a ShamWow.

Dinkleberry - A tiny dried up or petrified ball of feces that gets caught in a man's ass hair. It can be the result of not washing your ass or not properly wiping your ass after taking a crap.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Watching ABC = Safe Sex

At the end of the evening news, ABC makes the proclamation "Where Americans Come First", so I have concluded that ABC is like a condom.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


I am creating a new show called 12. It will be everything Jack Bauer can do, but in half the time.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Living the Dream

EL: We get to wear jeans Friday if we make $5 donation to the food bank.

BL: K, but that's $5 out of your pocket. I have to pay my own coffee club so
you can donate food on your own ;p

EL: I am thinking I am going to donate more than $5. Don't worry I will pay
for it out of my own money. I know starving people are not as important
as you being able to drink pond scum office coffee.

BL: You know... you get me... you really do. I like that about you.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Staying Classy in the Hill Part 2

I think we have out done ourselves with these euphemisms.

Releasing a hostage

Growing a tail

If you don't understand then check out this posting.