A look into my brain

• Why does the parasite have the hiccups?
• Why am I gaining so much weight? I try to eat super healthy and yet I am packing on the pounds, or as my doctor said “the holidays have been good to you”. I might as well shovel in some ice cream and twinkies if I am going to get fat.
• Why are my neighbors up and having conversations at 4 in the morning?
• Why do the fire alarms in this apartment always go off? I feel like I am back in college and living in a dorm.
• Why was it 28 degrees this morning in Florida?
• Why can’t I just lay an egg and put it in an incubator for 9 months?
• Why do people eat at chain restaurants? Am I the only person that dislikes them and the mediocre food they serve?
• Why do boys walk around in shorts and t-shirts during the winter and then complain they are cold?
• Who stole my Amazon package? I hope you enjoy your green yoga mat...douche weasel.
• Why does my stability ball keep deflating? Is it because I am/have a fat ass?
• Why do records cost more than CDs?
• Why would you make the doors on a bathroom go to the floor? How am I supposed to know if someone is in the stall?
• Why does my nephew keep making me sick? Does he hate me?
• Is it grey or gray?

I have been meaning to write a new post for ages, but am just too darn lazy and brain dead. I have realized the only time my brain functions is between 2 and 5 in the morning. Since I cannot seem to stay asleep at night I tend to be awake for a few hours each night. During this time, I think of all these witty and meaningful things to post and then by morning my brain has erased them. I should keep a notepad by the bed so I can write things down, but that would be too much work. Of course, a most of my thoughts revolve around a common theme, go back to sleep, arghhh why am I awake, I have to get up in X hours, this sucks…

Future Goals

I apologize for the absence. I know this is the high point for some of your dreary lives, but this chick has been busy. There is an imminent move and a little parasite feasting on me. Can't find too many things to write about, I just feel stressed. For now I leave you with my goals for next year.

1. make a triumphant return to the Baltimore half
2. be a MILF

Down the ocean, hon!

Warm weather has arrived and coworkers are starting to head to the ocean on the weekends. Really I don't care what my coworkers do on their weekends, but I do have one simple request. Please, stop bringing saltwater taffy back like it is some wonderfully thoughtful gift because no one likes saltwater taffy. No matter which color you choose they all taste like sugar with a hint of sugar and a side of artificial flavorings and colorings. My advise is either bring me back some Fisher's popcorn or even better just bring me back nothing because honestly, when I go down the ocean this summer I'm not going to waste my money on you.

Thank you FX

Snakes on a Plane

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!

Snakes on a Plane on FX

Enough is enough! I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-Friday plane!

Really, they could not come up with something better? Just bleep it out!

Thoughts while watching the Terps suck it.

What if a couple got into the Cash Cab and thought it was Taxi Cab Confessions?

What does it mean to jam in your shoe?

Watching ABC = Safe Sex

At the end of the evening news, ABC makes the proclamation "Where Americans Come First", so I have concluded that ABC is like a condom.

12

I am creating a new show called 12. It will be everything Jack Bauer can do, but in half the time.

I’ve Been Tagged!

I’ve been tagged by Lauren at athlEAT. I don’t want to be a party-pooper, so I will play, but I’ll leave the continuation of tagging up to anyone else who wants to participate!

Rules of tagging:

• Link the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
• Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
• Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links.
• Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I was born in New Jersey, Exit 8 off the turnpike and I am darn proud to be a Yankee (you will understand if you have spent any time living in the South).
2. I have a BS in Marine Science and a MS in Fisheries and Aquaculture. I currently work in finance.
3. I spent a month in Russia when I was in college. The majority of the trip was spent in Siberia and I would love to go back.
4. I use to dye my hair purple and pink in high school, wish I still could.
5. I have only done one keg stand in my life and it was only 3 years ago at a Superbowl party.
6. I have 2 nephews and both are named Alexander, one goes by Alex and the other is Lex.
7. I am a right-handed, but I play guitar left-handed.

(Insert witty blog title here) or just go vote

I want to encourage everyone to get out and vote today. Yes, the lines may be long, but this is history in the making. Plus, if history and encouragement don’t do it for you there is a ton of free stuff being given to voters today. With your “I Voted” sticker you can get a red-white-and-blue-sprinkled doughnut from Krispy Kreme, a Tall coffee at Starbucks, a chicken sandwich at Chick-Fil-A, and a scoop of ice cream from your local Ben & Jerry’s.

Here in Baltimore, many bars and restaurants are having Election Day specials. Todd Conner’s in Fells Point is offering a complimentary beer or soda. In Federal Hill, Don't Know and No Idea are offering a 2-fer-1 for your first round and the Pickled Parrot in Canton is buying the second round for anyone who votes. Here is a link to the Dining at Large blog on the Baltimore Sun website for a list of “Top 10 Places to Celebrate Your Candidate's Victory”.

Award for worst name goes to...

Cafe Steamers!! What was the marketing department at Healthy Choice thinking? I just want to know if I can have mine Cleveland style.

Business plan

Mad Hatter Tuna "Taste the Crazy"

Cheesy squirts

Have you seen the ad for Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Crackers? The kid eats the cracker and then a fountain of cheese explodes from below, lifting the kid into the air. Hand me that box of macaroni-shaped crackers, I am overdue for a greasy, yellow explosion?

Real men don’t drive these:

1. Cabriolet
2. Del Sol
3. Boxster
4. Z3

These are chick cars, so if you are driving one, it better be your girlfriends’ or people are going to laugh.

A log to log logs

Why hasn’t this been invented?

Random Thought

Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold...how does it know?

Men and Movies

Why do men think it is acceptable to start watching a movie when it is half over?? For example, in my house the two men decided to start watching a certain war movie this weekend. Mr. Loaf commented that he enjoyed the opening scenes, so we watched the first 20 minutes of the movie. Then we decided to watch a show about Killer Ice (put hands above head and start screaming as you run in circles). A hour later, we resumed watching the war movie which had 45 minutes left. I questioned the point of watching something that was half over and I was scoffed at for not getting it.