A look into my brain

• Why does the parasite have the hiccups?
• Why am I gaining so much weight? I try to eat super healthy and yet I am packing on the pounds, or as my doctor said “the holidays have been good to you”. I might as well shovel in some ice cream and twinkies if I am going to get fat.
• Why are my neighbors up and having conversations at 4 in the morning?
• Why do the fire alarms in this apartment always go off? I feel like I am back in college and living in a dorm.
• Why was it 28 degrees this morning in Florida?
• Why can’t I just lay an egg and put it in an incubator for 9 months?
• Why do people eat at chain restaurants? Am I the only person that dislikes them and the mediocre food they serve?
• Why do boys walk around in shorts and t-shirts during the winter and then complain they are cold?
• Who stole my Amazon package? I hope you enjoy your green yoga mat...douche weasel.
• Why does my stability ball keep deflating? Is it because I am/have a fat ass?
• Why do records cost more than CDs?
• Why would you make the doors on a bathroom go to the floor? How am I supposed to know if someone is in the stall?
• Why does my nephew keep making me sick? Does he hate me?
• Is it grey or gray?

I have been meaning to write a new post for ages, but am just too darn lazy and brain dead. I have realized the only time my brain functions is between 2 and 5 in the morning. Since I cannot seem to stay asleep at night I tend to be awake for a few hours each night. During this time, I think of all these witty and meaningful things to post and then by morning my brain has erased them. I should keep a notepad by the bed so I can write things down, but that would be too much work. Of course, a most of my thoughts revolve around a common theme, go back to sleep, arghhh why am I awake, I have to get up in X hours, this sucks…

Professionalism

Any email exchange between me and the husband on a Monday morning.

EL: OMG, 4 people are fighting over whether you can hydroplane on ice or if it is just sliding. They are yelling at each other and calling each other dumb ass. Very professional...

BL: I mostly hydroplane on the love I have for my coworkers, but once I hydroplaned on delusions of grandeur.

EL: I am going to hydroplane my fist into their faces.

Food Porn

Imagine serving this dish at your next dinner party.

And as a MILF...

I am going to need to start taking lovers. Obviously, I am going to need to be discreet, so Craig's List is not going to work. This morning on the way to work I heard an add for Ashley Madison. I am going to sign up immediately! BL said I can use his account for now.

Future Goals

I apologize for the absence. I know this is the high point for some of your dreary lives, but this chick has been busy. There is an imminent move and a little parasite feasting on me. Can't find too many things to write about, I just feel stressed. For now I leave you with my goals for next year.

1. make a triumphant return to the Baltimore half
2. be a MILF

She's gone from suck to blow

The peanut butter nipple has become a penis. Now that is just awkward.

Peanut Butter Nipple

What kind of person does this to peanut butter???