Emma-Loaf

A look into my brain

2010-02-02T21:59:00.000-05:00

Why does the parasite have the hiccups?
Why am I gaining so much weight? I try to eat super healthy and yet I am packing on the pounds, or as my doctor said “the holidays have been good to you”. I might as well shovel in some ice cream and twinkies if I am going to get fat.
Why are my neighbors up and having conversations at 4 in the morning?
Why do the fire alarms in this apartment always go off? I feel like I am back in college and living in a dorm.
Why was it 28 degrees this morning in Florida?
Why can’t I just lay an egg and put it in an incubator for 9 months?
Why do people eat at chain restaurants? Am I the only person that dislikes them and the mediocre food they serve?
Why do boys walk around in shorts and t-shirts during the winter and then complain they are cold?
Who stole my Amazon package? I hope you enjoy your green yoga mat...douche weasel.
Why does my stability ball keep deflating? Is it because I am/have a fat ass?
Why do records cost more than CDs?
Why would you make the doors on a bathroom go to the floor? How am I supposed to know if someone is in the stall?
Why does my nephew keep making me sick? Does he hate me?
Is it grey or gray?

I have been meaning to write a new post for ages, but am just too darn lazy and brain dead. I have realized the only time my brain functions is between 2 and 5 in the morning. Since I cannot seem to stay asleep at night I tend to be awake for a few hours each night. During this time, I think of all these witty and meaningful things to post and then by morning my brain has erased them. I should keep a notepad by the bed so I can write things down, but that would be too much work. Of course, a most of my thoughts revolve around a common theme, go back to sleep, arghhh why am I awake, I have to get up in X hours, this sucks…

Professionalism

2010-01-18T20:37:00.001-05:00

Any email exchange between me and the husband on a Monday morning.

EL: OMG, 4 people are fighting over whether you can hydroplane on ice or if it is just sliding. They are yelling at each other and calling each other dumb ass. Very professional...

BL: I mostly hydroplane on the love I have for my coworkers, but once I hydroplaned on delusions of grandeur.

EL: I am going to hydroplane my fist into their faces.

Food Porn

2010-01-07T20:24:00.000-05:00

Imagine serving this dish at your next dinner party.

And as a MILF...

2009-11-09T19:33:00.002-05:00

I am going to need to start taking lovers. Obviously, I am going to need to be discreet, so Craig's List is not going to work. This morning on the way to work I heard an add for Ashley Madison. I am going to sign up immediately! BL said I can use his account for now.

Future Goals

2009-10-28T20:23:00.000-04:00

I apologize for the absence. I know this is the high point for some of your dreary lives, but this chick has been busy. There is an imminent move and a little parasite feasting on me. Can't find too many things to write about, I just feel stressed. For now I leave you with my goals for next year.

1. make a triumphant return to the Baltimore half
2. be a MILF

She's gone from suck to blow

2009-07-30T23:30:00.001-04:00

The peanut butter nipple has become a penis. Now that is just awkward.

Peanut Butter Nipple

2009-07-28T20:46:00.000-04:00

What kind of person does this to peanut butter???

Down the ocean, hon!

2009-06-10T21:06:00.000-04:00

Warm weather has arrived and coworkers are starting to head to the ocean on the weekends. Really I don't care what my coworkers do on their weekends, but I do have one simple request. Please, stop bringing saltwater taffy back like it is some wonderfully thoughtful gift because no one likes saltwater taffy. No matter which color you choose they all taste like sugar with a hint of sugar and a side of artificial flavorings and colorings. My advise is either bring me back some Fisher's popcorn or even better just bring me back nothing because honestly, when I go down the ocean this summer I'm not going to waste my money on you.

La cucaracha, la cucaracha

2009-05-29T20:59:00.003-04:00

The start of Loaf family Eurotrip was inauspicious. We arrived at the airport at 12:30 and it took 40 plus minutes to check our luggage. We then cruised (relatively speaking) through security and headed to our gate. We arrived at the gate with an hour to spare and settled in to await boarding. Well 2:30 rolls around and though our flight is scheduled to leave in 7 minutes our plane has not arrived. It seems our flight is still sitting on the runway in Philly. We are informed that the plane will be in the air momentarily and should arrive in B'more by 3:30. Then all hell breaks lose. The skies open up and we are told the "ramp" has been closed. The "ramp" we learn is airline lingo for the runway and that means that though are flight did leave Philly it is now stuck circling BWI. Finally around 4:30 the skies clear and the plane lands. Our connecting flight from Philly does not leave until 6:30, so we still have time. Then we find out the "ramp" in Philly is shut down and will not open for at least an hour. At this point, we are being told to call customer service and get our flights rescheduled. I am not even going to try to explain the chaos at the ticket counter as 4 flights are cancelled and 4 flights of angry would-be passengers start an uprising. Luckily, we were able to get an extremely helpful customer service agent on the phone and are rebooked on the same flight out of Philly tomorrow evening. So we tell them to pull our luggage off the plane and head home in defeat. The good news is I get to sleep in my own bed tonight and tomorrow we will DRIVE to Philly and head for Europe. The bad news is when I opened my carry-on to get my purse a huge roach crawled out. Oh yeah, one monster roach had snuck in my bag. I am going to shower now because I think I have been contaminated.

La cucaracha, la cucaracha
Ya no puede caminar
Porque no tiene, porque le falta
Marijuana que fumar.

Ya la murio la cucaracha
Ya la lleven a enterrar
Entre cuatro zopilotes
Y un raton de sacristan.

PS - hopefully when most of you read this I will be on a flight to Europe otherwise I may be in Philly and in need of bail because I might lose it if we miss our flight again.

Aerial application

2009-05-14T20:38:00.001-04:00

Minerva has suddenly lost her fear of BL and has taken to spending time in his lap. This of course, annoys the crap out of me because she is my cat and is suppose to only have contempt for others. When BL works from home, he and Minerva have a new morning routine. Minerva will jump into his lap and let him pet her, while BL checks his emails and has his morning coffee. This is amazing for a couple of reasons; 1.) Minerva use to fear BL and 2.) BL sits on a bar stool at the kitchen island and that is a pretty high jump for Minerva, who is not very agile or graceful. This routine would be bad enough, but now Minerva is even snuggling with BL while we watch TV. The other night BL was on the couch watching TV and I was curled up in the chair reading. Usually my being in the chair reading is enough to entice Minerva to come sit with me. She is very jealous of the time I spend with books, so much so that she will usually try to sit on the book, so I won't be distracted from my main job of petting her. This evening though, BL patted the couch and called for Minerva and she jumped up onto the couch with him and being a the slutty cat that she is, she even started to purr. I, being a mature adult, pouted and called the cat mean names before returning my attention to my book. About 30 minutes later, Minerva decided that she was done with BL and would come snuggle with me. But here is the best part, as she left left BL's lap she crop dusted him with one of her special warm bologna farts. Now I see that Minerva was only luring BL into complacently before she enacted her revenge. I have trained her well.

Thank you FX

2009-04-15T19:49:00.002-04:00

Snakes on a Plane

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!

Snakes on a Plane on FX

Enough is enough! I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-Friday plane!

Really, they could not come up with something better? Just bleep it out!

My own Captain CAAAAAAAVEMEEEEEEENNNN!

2009-04-01T11:16:00.006-04:00

Here is an email exchange from the two neanderthals I have as roommates (Yes, I just downgraded my husband to a roommate).

R sends:
On CNN news, right before they went to commercial:

"You're about to meet a woman with a good idea"

It sounded funnier than the quote, like the mere fact a woman has an idea is a news story.

BL responds:
That's awesome! And very rare.

Thoughts while watching the Terps suck it.

2009-03-21T17:18:00.003-04:00

What if a couple got into the Cash Cab and thought it was Taxi Cab Confessions?

What does it mean to jam in your shoe?

This long distance dedication goes out to Alyssatard in H-Town

2009-03-06T21:51:00.001-05:00

While waiting in line for some after race snacks, we ladies started discussing the merits of the running skirt. Now some girls scoff at the idea of the running skirt believing that real runners would never wear one. Well these girls are obviously misinformed twats because I happen to know a certain ultra-marathoner who rocks out the running skirt. Not only is the running skirt comfortable you also look super cute. I am taking creative license with some of this because who can really remember a conversation they had 3 weeks ago...

EL: I love my running skirt. I wore it during 2 halves and it rocks.
A: Running skirts dece to dece plus!
EL: Mine just has spanks under it, so it's like running in your underwear.
A: Running in your underwear is awes! !

Then things got strange when the lady behind us joined the conversation. Let's refer to her as CT.

CT: I really like running skirts, but I can't wear them because of my camel toe.
A: WTF!

I think that pretty much ended the conversation and we all refrained from eye contact because we were about to lose our shit. I just wish I informed CT that it was not a camel toe that was her problem, but more likely moose knuckle.

New Music Tuesday

2009-02-24T20:13:00.006-05:00

The third and most anticipated album by COTVD is regrettably the worst. French mountain music is a bit overplayed and nothing surprises us with their latest effort. It’s time to hang up the hurdy gurdy.

Cammenga front man Pachento's mastery of the pan flute takes us worlds beyond Machu Picchu and Lake Titicaca to places only seen by ancient Incan astronauts. Put your space suits on and enjoy the ride.

Perhaps the most critically acclaimed album since Our Lady of Egypt Church's sophomore album “I Know I'm Close to Success”; List of Holocausts Survivors' "Encircled by the City of the Living" submerges you directly into the death camps of Nazi Germany and leaves you frail and thin with pleasure.

For more information about these bands and to listen to tracks from the albums click here.

Nom Nom Nom

2009-02-19T20:30:00.003-05:00

Wednesday was very stressful for Tricksy and she finally succumbed to her cravings and participated in "Birthday Wednesday". You see, Tricksy's office celebrates birthdays once a month with a lovely display of cakes and other confections. Normally, Tricksy scoffs at this ritual and makes rude oinking noises at those who partake, but this Wednesday Tricksy needed a sugar coma. At precisely 10:30, the email arrived that cakes were in the pantry and Tricksy jumped from her desk and raced to the pantry. She surveyed her choices and decided on a lovely slice of chocolate cake with vanilla icing. Tricksy scurried back to her desk and placed her refined sugar treat to the side and resumed her work. Unfortunately, Tricksye was so busy she did not get a break until 2. Well guess what??? When cake sits on a desk for 4 hours it becomes dried out and nasty. Boo, no cake for Tricksy.

(All names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.)

2 bananas, 1 peel

2009-02-10T23:21:00.000-05:00

I know you can get twins in eggs (double yolks), but has anyone else seen a twin banana??? We picked up a bunch of bananas the other night at Costco. The bunch was in a bag, so I could not thoroughly exam them for bruises, but the price was right, so I took a chance and bought a bunch. When I got home I was super excited to find that the bunch was in good condition and just needed to ripen. I went to hang the bunch on the banana hanger thingy and that’s when I noticed the twin. Very strange, but it was darn tasty in my oatmeal.

Dinkleberry (dingleberry)

2009-01-29T21:54:00.005-05:00

I have been informed that sometimes when boys poo, remnants may get stuck in their ass hair. When this happens, the best remedy is to shower. Unfortunately when one showers the problem-some ass hair absorbs a ton of water and is hard to dry. So what is one to do? You could borrow your girlfriend/roommates/wife's hair dryer, but this could lead to frizzy, split end ass hair. My solution is ShamWow, it is the perfect way to suck the excess water out of your ass hair without causing damage to the individual hair shafts. Please, for the sake of healthy ass hair, run out and buy all the men in your life a ShamWow.

Dinkleberry - A tiny dried up or petrified ball of feces that gets caught in a man's ass hair. It can be the result of not washing your ass or not properly wiping your ass after taking a crap.

Watching ABC = Safe Sex

2009-01-21T20:56:00.003-05:00

At the end of the evening news, ABC makes the proclamation "Where Americans Come First", so I have concluded that ABC is like a condom.

12

2009-01-11T20:00:00.002-05:00

I am creating a new show called 12. It will be everything Jack Bauer can do, but in half the time.

Living the Dream

2009-01-08T22:19:00.000-05:00

EL: We get to wear jeans Friday if we make $5 donation to the food bank.

BL: K, but that's $5 out of your pocket. I have to pay my own coffee club so
you can donate food on your own ;p

EL: I am thinking I am going to donate more than $5. Don't worry I will pay
for it out of my own money. I know starving people are not as important
as you being able to drink pond scum office coffee.

BL: You know... you get me... you really do. I like that about you.

Staying Classy in the Hill Part 2

2009-01-05T20:38:00.000-05:00

I think we have out done ourselves with these euphemisms.

Releasing a hostage

Growing a tail

If you don't understand then check out this posting.

Please pass me a claritin

2008-12-19T16:35:00.003-05:00

It has been raining almost all week and I really would like to see the sun. I swear I am starting to mold. Being that I am allergic to mold, I am currently allergic to myself. Thinking about that, I wonder what kind of mold I am growing. According to my Medicalert I am allergic to penicillin, so if I licked my arm, would I swell, go into shock, and die?

I really am a blonde

2008-12-10T20:40:00.001-05:00

EL: Wow, I forgot about Geckos, we need to go there. They have the best chips and salsa.

R: Where is Geckos?

EL: On Fleet, by Patterson Park.

R: Is it new?

EL: No, I know you have seen it; it has an iguana on the sign

R: Might that iguana be a gecko?

Netflix Queue

2008-12-06T19:51:00.000-05:00

Random: He's legit, he's from Baltimore, Do you watch the Wire?

R: No, I live it.

Marketing 101

2008-11-29T17:32:00.005-05:00

EL: You went to Red Star, what did you eat?

R: The California Wrap, not sure if it was new, but it had hummus on it and was mad tasty.

BL: Hummus just better than dirt.

Staying Classy in the Hill

2008-11-22T09:08:00.000-05:00

BL: Once I am done with school, I refuse to learn anything new for the next 5 years. Actually, I am going to unlearn things.

R: You can kill some brain cells and drop knowledge.

BL: Drop knowledge, sweet; is that like taking a dump?

R: Exactly, every time you poop you lose brain cells, so you are dropping knowledge.

Now we have another euphemism for defecation; dropping knowledge.

Usage Suggestions:

At the pool, I ingested so much water that I barely made it to the locker room to dropping knowledge.

I ate lunch at Chichillifridigans today and I dropped knowledge all afternoon.

Biggest Loser: Brewers Hill

2008-11-16T21:06:00.000-05:00

The husband and I are treating ourselves to a little Thanksgiving getaway. It is becoming a bit of a tradition with us. We were married 2 years ago in St. Thomas and then we honeymooned Thanksgiving week in St. John. Last year, we splurged and went back to St. John Thanksgiving week to celebrate our first anniversary. The second anniversary is this Monday and once again to congratulate ourselves for staying married, we decided a vacation was in order. Unfortunately, the Virgin Islands were a bit too pricey this year, so we settled for a trip to Riviera Maya, also known as the Mayan Riviera, in Mexico. Anyway, getting back to the point of this post, the husband challenged me to a weight lose competition. We have done this type of competition in the past to help keep us motivated with our work-outs and eating healthy. The deal is we both had 5 weeks to drop 5 pounds. If you reach your goal of 5 pounds then you win X amount of money, if we both lose the 5 pounds it is a wash. There was also a cash bonus for the person who loses the most weight. I accepted the challenge and booked myself 5 sessions with the personal trainer at my gym. The husband retaliated by turning our treadmill into a workstation, so when he works from home he can walk instead of sitting on the couch.

There is still one more week left in the challenge and I am currently down 5 pounds and the husband is down 4.5. Looks like we are both going to be winners and look dead sexy on the beach.

I’ve Been Tagged!

2008-11-14T18:42:00.000-05:00

I’ve been tagged by Lauren at athlEAT. I don’t want to be a party-pooper, so I will play, but I’ll leave the continuation of tagging up to anyone else who wants to participate!

Rules of tagging:

Link the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links.
Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I was born in New Jersey, Exit 8 off the turnpike and I am darn proud to be a Yankee (you will understand if you have spent any time living in the South).
I have a BS in Marine Science and a MS in Fisheries and Aquaculture. I currently work in finance.
I spent a month in Russia when I was in college. The majority of the trip was spent in Siberia and I would love to go back.
I use to dye my hair purple and pink in high school, wish I still could.
I have only done one keg stand in my life and it was only 3 years ago at a Superbowl party.
I have 2 nephews and both are named Alexander, one goes by Alex and the other is Lex.
I am a right-handed, but I play guitar left-handed.

Cat Food

2008-11-09T10:30:00.000-05:00

This morning I grabbed some Larabars and threw them in my bag. I then proceeded to pack the rest of my lunch, when I heard some strange noises coming from the direction of my bag. Upon further inspection I found Miss Minerva Jones had pulled one of the lemon bars from my bag and was attempting to chew through the wrapper. Minerva is a notorious food thief, but it always cracks me up to catch her in the act.

(Insert witty blog title here) or just go vote

2008-11-04T06:48:00.003-05:00

I want to encourage everyone to get out and vote today. Yes, the lines may be long, but this is history in the making. Plus, if history and encouragement don’t do it for you there is a ton of free stuff being given to voters today. With your “I Voted” sticker you can get a red-white-and-blue-sprinkled doughnut from Krispy Kreme, a Tall coffee at Starbucks, a chicken sandwich at Chick-Fil-A, and a scoop of ice cream from your local Ben & Jerry’s.

Here in Baltimore, many bars and restaurants are having Election Day specials. Todd Conner’s in Fells Point is offering a complimentary beer or soda. In Federal Hill, Don't Know and No Idea are offering a 2-fer-1 for your first round and the Pickled Parrot in Canton is buying the second round for anyone who votes. Here is a link to the Dining at Large blog on the Baltimore Sun website for a list of “Top 10 Places to Celebrate Your Candidate's Victory”.

2 Legit 2 Quit

2008-09-30T18:18:00.000-04:00

I am officially a REAL runner. Why am I legit?

1. I ran 4 miles with no socks, resulting in many blisters on my feet.
2. I got my first “"Run Forest, Run!"”

It feels good to be legit. I celebrated my buying myself some slutty black heels. Just need these blisters to clear, so I can wear them.

Highlandtown, Baltimore

2008-09-22T18:55:00.001-04:00

While watching the Ravens game:

R: What the? The Ravens have a trained Raven at their games?

B: Do you think it is a War Raven, like your War Eagle?

EL: Don’t even compare that stinky raven to Auburn’s eagle, there is no comparison. That probably isn’t even a raven, it might be a crow or more likely a pigeon dyed black.

R: It’s a Highlandtown Raven!

To give you a little background on Highlandtown, click the title of this post. All you really need to know is the greatest creation to come out of Highlandtown (in my opinion) is the Highlandtown Corona, just add a lime to a PBR.

Random weeknight

2008-09-20T14:33:00.000-04:00

Overheard the other night at 3 am:

Neighbor 1 to Neighbor 2: I am going to fucking kill you bitch.
(Then there was a lot of yelling and a cop arrived on the scene)

Cop: Is there a problem here?
Neighbor 1: No problem officer, we are just neighbors hanging out, no problems.

I laughed as I heard this sudden change in events. Not so tough once the cops show up, are you?

Cape Charles, yeehaw!

2008-09-18T18:33:00.003-04:00

What was I doing this weekend you ask? Well, we took a little trip to the eastern shore of VA were we became honorary rednecks. We did some fishing, swimming, shooting, a yard tour, and drunken bike riding. I really think the pictures tell the story best.

Yes, those are cupholders on the bikes and yes, those red cups contain adult beverages. TR and RP really now how to show their guests a good time. And check out the outfit TR is sporting, who else could rock the camo skirt.

This is one of my favorites from the weekend. I call it "Girl and Glock", just wish you could see all the beer bottles that were surrounding me. Really what could be safer then beer and guns.

Crystal Ball

2008-09-06T18:15:00.002-04:00

A morning conversation:

EL: (as I lay with my head on B's stomach) Your intestines are telling me the future.

B: Yes, they are telling you that something evil is coming to the bathroom today.

Award for worst name goes to...

2008-08-18T18:17:00.000-04:00

Cafe Steamers!! What was the marketing department at Healthy Choice thinking? I just want to know if I can have mine Cleveland style.

Going home

2008-08-15T18:48:00.000-04:00

My husband was picking me up from work the other night and as usual he called when he was at the end of the expressway. Thus allowing me enough time to either a.) call the elevator to the 10th floor, ride it down to the 2nd, then take the escalator to the first floor or b.) climb 6 flights to the 12th floor, call the elevator and take it directly to the 1st floor. Don’t even get me started as to way I cannot access the first floor from the main bank of elevators; the short story is it is called progress…

Anyway, I was doing my usual trek to exit the building and as I reached the doors I saw the truck and what I believed was the husband. As I got closer I realized that yes it looked like our truck, but the 2 passengers inside where definitely not the husband and I thought to myself that maybe he had been carjacked and that the thugs were being nice and picking me up. Then I scanned up the street and saw another truck that looked like ours and as I slowly approached it from the rear I cursed myself for not knowing the license plate number. Instead, I walked behind the truck and nonchalantly peaked in the windows to insure that the driver was my husband. When I got in he laughed and said he was hoping I would try to get in the other truck. That’s when I realized that my husband sucks!

Bad friends

2008-08-04T09:50:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago, we traveled to New Bern, NC to see 2 of my friends from grad school. We were staying at Ear Shot's house who I had not see since 2001 and McFly was last sited in 2003. The weekend was a blast drinking and gorging ourselves on Carolina bbq and clams that McFly brought from her hatchery. Unfortuanltey, the recovery following the debauchery was painful. Sometimes I forget just how old I am.

McFly took some great pictures of the weekend, which I stupidly deleted. I asked her if she could resend them. Here's what I got...

Yes, those are pictures on the outside of my package. The mailman was cracking up when he handed the package to my husband. At least we can lighten the mood for the local postal carriers. McFLy did redeem herself because inside the package was a sweet Auburn t-shirt.

War Eagle!

In Bruges

2008-07-25T06:47:00.006-04:00

Wasn’t feeling great last night, so I plopped myself on the couch and we watched In Bruges which was on of the best movie I have seen this year. Last year my favorite was Pan’s Labyrinth and this year my favorite to date is Stardust (a movie that we tried to watch about 5 times before the powers that be allowed us to view it). I do not advise you watch Stardust on a plane unless the battery life of your laptop is over 2 hours. Ours crapped out with about 40 seconds left in the movie. We seriously had some problems trying to view this movie, we had downloaded it from ppv 4 times and each time we would go to view it we would get some cryptic message. We would then call Directv and they would refund our money, well except for the last time when we were told they could not refund the $4.99 fee, but would give us Showtime free for a month. We were excited about having Showtime until we looked at the schedule and realized most of the movies we could watch on TBS for free.

Anyway, I digress, the whole point of this was to tell you how dark and witty In Bruges was and to tell you all to get it on ppv or NetFlix, or for you traditional types, hit up the local video store. One thing you will notice about the movie is that quite a few of the actors also appear in the Harry Potter movies.

Took this picture when we were in Bruges last September (or maybe B did, but probably me because all the good pictures I take and he takes all the crap). If you pay attention at the beginning of the movie, the same shot is seen in the first 5 minutes of the movie. Only difference is the trees in my picture have leaves.

Favorite lines from the movie:

Ken: Ray, you are about the worst tourist in the whole world.
Ray: Ken, I grew up in Dublin. I love Dublin. If I grew up on a farm, and was retarded, Bruges might impress me but I didn't, so it doesn't.

Ray: What are they doing over there? They're filming something. They're filming midgets!
Ken: Ray...
[Ray runs off and watches Jimmy, the midget, being instructed by the director, who Jimmy flicks off as soon as he leaves]
Ken: Ray, come on. Let's go.
Ray: Fuck off, Ken. They're filming midgets.

Business plan

2008-07-14T17:45:00.000-04:00

Mad Hatter Tuna "Taste the Crazy"

Cheesy squirts

2008-07-09T20:05:00.003-04:00

Have you seen the ad for Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Crackers? The kid eats the cracker and then a fountain of cheese explodes from below, lifting the kid into the air. Hand me that box of macaroni-shaped crackers, I am overdue for a greasy, yellow explosion?

Career change

2008-07-03T15:13:00.000-04:00

My cousin brought up a conversation about Livelinks last night over dinner and apparently, I am not that hip, because I had never heard of it. He said it is a chat line that you can do over text messages on your phone. This is an awesome idea and almost guarantees you are talking to a fat man wearing a stained wife beater. As I though about it more, I decide this might be a good way for me to make some extra cash. Apparently, you are charged $0.99 a text, so first rule would be to make sure your texts are very short. The more texts the more money you make, duh. I am trying to write s scrip for my chats, here is what I am so far; I am so hot, moist, moist, moist, moist, moist…That’s like $6 and I am sure I got your juices flowing.

Real men don’t drive these:

2008-07-01T18:12:00.001-04:00

1. Cabriolet
2. Del Sol
3. Boxster
4. Z3

These are chick cars, so if you are driving one, it better be your girlfriends’ or people are going to laugh.

The end of the world…

2008-06-27T18:19:00.001-04:00

The Kid has cleaned his room! We should all head to the nearest bomb shelter because this can only mean that the end of the world is at hand. Seriously, I really think The Kid is going to like living in a clean room. The rest of the house is clean and he chooses to spend 98% of his waking hours in any room but his own, this proves to me he prefers cleanliness to clutter. Maybe this cleaning will lead to some sort of epiphany, one can only hope.

If you are wondering why, after 18 months of living at this house The Kid has finally unpacked and cleaned, it would be that we have put the house on the market. We are hoping that by staging the house and keeping it spotless we may be able to sell this house in an awful market.

B thinks it might be funny to tell The Kid we are not really selling the house, but that it was just a ploy to get him to clean his room. I think that would just be mean.

Speaking of cats...

2008-06-23T06:52:00.001-04:00

Let me introduce our little monsters.

Blackened Voodoo comes from a privileged life of country clubs and tennis Voodoo’s favorite hobbies are killing small critters and flinging eye funk on the walls. Voodoo is all black and also responds to the names Darkness and Blackie.

Minerva Jones had a rough life on the streets of a trailer park in southern MD. Here she was abused by local kids and forced to find food in dumpsters. We stumbled upon Minerva one day and she has not left my side since (seriously cat won’t leave me alone). Minerva enjoys wet food and incessant meowing. She also responds to the names Baby Kitty and Grayskull.

Miss Minerva Jones

2008-06-19T06:38:00.000-04:00

The news you have all been waiting for, is the suspense killing you???? I won’t make you wait any longer; I am pleased to announce that Miss Minerva Jones is going to live! Yesterday was her one year check-up with the cardiologist and her heart is the same, if not better than last year. I guess the heart meds are working. She has also gained about a pound since her last trip (the other day I thought I noticed a back fat roll on her). B was thrilled that Merv is doing well and then pissed when I told him how much the kitty cardiologist cost. At least she does not have to go back for 18 months…If you are interested in helping defer the costs of Miss Minerva Jones’ care you can send money to the “Holy Crap Make that Cat Stop Meowing Fund”.

A log to log logs

2008-06-17T06:36:00.000-04:00

Why hasn’t this been invented?

TranquiliT

2008-06-12T10:16:00.007-04:00

This is one of my favorite online stores. To date I have bought two wrap dresses and a shawl and I adore them. Customer service is excellent, beyond excellent, it is fantabulous. I didn’t think I could love this store any more, but then I read their ethics.

1. All of our products are made of bamboo and organic cotton. Bamboo is anti-bacterial and doesn’t just wick moisture but is quick to dry. More importantly, it’s a fast-growing native species that is entirely renewable.
2. All TranquiliT pieces are sweatshop free and sewn in the USA.
3. TraquiliT donates a percentage of profits to Tranquil Space Foundation which brings yoga, creativity, and leadership to women and girls.
4. A tree is planted for every shipment that is sent out to help offset carbon emissions from the delivery process.
5. We will be offering an eco "shipping package turns to tote" option at the checkout process shortly. This new mailer can be turned inside out after the shipping process to be used as a canvas tote (made of recycled content), eliminating all waste from our shipping process and allowing you to have a lovely reusable tote for all your shopping excursions.
6. All other orders will be shipped via a poly-mailer, which offers the most lightweight and smallest packaging available to reduce weight and space on freighters. They also offer the most protection from damage of your goods from moisture. We are constantly in search of new 100% recyclable mailers. Feel free to return your poly-mailer to us and we’ll gladly reuse it!
7. All of our postcard ads are printed on 100% recycled paper and printed with soy inks.
8. Online shoppers receive a lovely black TranquiliT pen made from recycled tires and an organic lavender sachet.

Check them out at http://www.tranquilit.com/

Salty Sword

2008-06-11T06:39:00.000-04:00

B and I have decided we need to buy a boat, so we can name it the Salty Sword. Anyone who wants to board our vessel will be challenged to a dual.

Just a flesh wound

2008-06-05T17:46:00.001-04:00

Since the Frederick half- marathon I have been having issues with my knee, as in it freaking hurts! I can’t run or walk and going down stairs is ridiculously painful. I have seriously contemplated scooting down the stairs on my butt. (For anyone not familiar with my house, every single room is on a different level, yeah stairs!) After a month of taking it easy I finally made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor. The diagnosis is plica, not pica, though some dirt does sound appetizing, or maybe kitty litter. Anyway, plica is the inflammation of the membrane between the knee and the femur. Turns out this membrane is a remnant of fetal tissue and is not necessary, so I can easily have it removed arthroscopically if I should choose. For now I am wearing a knee brace, taking large doses of ibuprofen, and starting physical therapy tonight. If this course of action does not work, I can have the surgery, but I would prefer to do that after the marathon. The good news is I am allowed to run, the bad news, it is going to hurt. I’ll let you know how bad Saturday after my run.

Funny thing about taking large does of ibuprofen, the one side effect is headaches and I have one. How is it that a drug that cures headaches also causes them???? And the heartburn is pretty awesome too!

It's a barbie world...

2008-06-02T21:27:00.002-04:00

We arrived back in Phoenix around 7:30 pm and were surprised to find that S had arranged for a sitter and made plans for us to go out in Scottsdale. At this point, we were a bit slap happy, but we freshened up and headed out for a few cocktails and a snack. S took us to AZ 88, a place to admire the beautiful, if plastic people of AZ. I will admit I was feeling a bit out of place since the best “going out” outfit I had consisted of Gap jeans, a BR tank, a cardigan from Target, and flips from VS. It took us about 10 minutes to be seated in this ultra hip space and we quickly ordered up a round of cocktails. I am not usually one to order a Cosmo since they are generally just sticky sweet, but S said they were a specialty so I gave it a try, and let me tell you it was delicious, so good that I had two! We also ordered up some hell’s fire chips, homemade potato chips covered in blue cheese and hot sauce to share. The entrees consisted of shrimp ceviche, tuna nicoise, and bonfire chicken. We were feeling refreshed after the food and drinks, so decided to go to a local club. I have no idea what is was called, but it reminded me of an upscale Baja Beach Club. There were bikini clad girls dancing on raised platforms and bros galore. After 2 drinks, B and I had enough and we hit the road. We arrived home around 2:30, exhausted, but it was definitely worth it.

Grand Canyon

2008-06-02T18:59:00.005-04:00

Saturday we headed to the Grand Canyon at 6 am. We figured on a 4 hour drive, but who knew the speed limit was 75 and that most people drove around 85! The plan was to head up 17, to 89, to 64, and then back to 17. The scenery on the trip up was amazing. As we started the climb into the mountains, the desert gave way to pine trees and then after Flagstaff the desert returned. It was so flat, you could see the line where the green stopped and the red desert took over. The weather was also extremely variable; we went from 60 with sunshine, to 40 with snow and ice. Three and a half hours later we arrived at the East Entrance of the Grand Canyon. We hit the first scenic pull-off, Desert View, and headed to see the Canyon. I can not think of any creative way to describe the Canyon so let’s just say it is absolutely awe inspiring.

If it was not for the snow and blistery wind I would have like to just sit and stare for a few hours. Instead, we proceeded to drive along 64 stopping at all the scenic points to take pictures. The sun also did not want to cooperate, so B decided to try his hand at some black and white photos, hoping the b/w would better show the shadows of the Canyon.

If you follow Highway 64 you end up at the Grand Canyon Village, at this point the Canyon was getting very crowded so we decided to head back and make a stop in Flagstaff for a late lunch. A passenger on our flight from Baltimore recommended the Beaver Street Brewery and what’s not to like about a burger and a beer (unless you are a stupid tree-hugging, veggie like me). Flagstaff was much smaller than expected, really not much more than a college town. This made finding the Brewery very easy and in no time we were seated and had ordered up a round of drinks. After lunch, we took a quick stroll around Flagstaff to stretch our legs and then headed back to Phoenix.

Stay tuned for more adventures, we did not get to sleep that night until 2:30 am Sunday!

Where to begin...

2008-05-29T20:23:00.004-04:00

I think we will start at the beginning. After a lovely 5 hour flight, we landed safely in Phoenix and headed to Enterprise to pick-up our rental car. We had a reservation for a compact. Getting this car turned into a drinking game. Every time, the desk dude says compact please proceed to drink.

Desk dude (DD): I have you down for a COMPACT for 4 days, correct.
B: yes
DD: We are offering a double upgrade special, are you interested in upgrading your COMPACT. You know it does not have power windows, a CD player, power steering, power brakes, or an engine (ok, I am exaggerating here).
B: That is fine.
DD: Will anyone else be driving the COMPACT? You know your wife can drive the COMPACT for no additional charge.
B: Great.
DD: So you just want to keep the COMPACT and not upgrade the COMPACT?
B: YES
DD: Okay, then you can pick-up your COMPACT by going down the hall and taking the escalator to the lower level. This is where your COMPACT will be waiting. Enjoy your COMPACT!

We proceeded to the lower level, where we were greeted by Chad. Now Chad visited Baltimore once and wanted to know if he returned where he should go. So we chatted with him about the things to do and where to eat and then he unleashed the sales pitch. Something about us needing extra insurance in case we were to damage the car. We mentioned that we had car insurance, but he insisted that damage can happen HERE and HERE, HERE and HERE, HERE and HERE. Dude, just kept going and pointing to the windshield and the hood, over and over. Yeah, we get it, cars tend to get hit by rocks which might dent the hood or crack the windshield. That’s great, but we have insurance. Then he gives us the hard sell, “You know if you damage the car, we will be collecting your deductible from you in cash.” Let me call a BS on that one! Last time I checked, if I damage a car my insurance company will handle it and I will be paying my deductible to them. So Chad, you can take your Chadinese and bite ME!

Thanks goodness, in 30 minutes we met Sherry at Z Tejas and she had ordered us Chambord Ritas (Chambord liqueur floated on top of a Margarita).

Oh, here is a picture of our COMPACT!!!!!

Horse Pill

2008-05-20T17:32:00.001-04:00

The Kid came home with some calcium pills that were in the goodie bags at his last race. I greedily grabbed them and danced around singing “mine, mine, mine”. Last night I decided it was time to start taking these pills. Here’s how that went.

EL: Oh my god, these pills are flipping huge!
BL: Let me see, let me see.
EL: Seriously, I am not sure if these are pills or suppositories, maybe I should read the directions.

After reading the directions and being certain that I was suppose to take the pills orally, I proceeded to take a sip of water, but started laughing hysterically before I could swallow the pill. BL yelled at me to spit it out before I choked, which only made me laugh more. I did finally get the pill down, but do not look forward to taking the next one, but I know they are good for me, so I will. The things we women do…

Banana Porn

2008-05-19T06:36:00.007-04:00

Who doesn't love the banana (well maybe not sailors), but bananas are delicious and they are good for you. I love packing a banana in my lunch, but since I no longer carry my Smurfs or Dukes of Hazard lunchbox, the bananas sometimes get bruised in transit. Today I discovered that there are many of products specifically for banana transport.

These all seem to be great solutions for transporting bruise-free bananas, this product though just doesn't work for me. Can you imagine seeing this on your co-workers desk? Hmmmm

Dead sexy

2008-05-15T13:36:00.002-04:00

Kind of an inappropriate title since I am talking about my cousin, but if you don't make someone uncomfortable you didn't go far enough. Anyway, this pictures is from the 2007 Columbia Triathlon.

I post this because this weekend is the 2008 Columbia Triathlon and my cousin is going to murder it. Sunday we will be in Columbia to cheer him on and I was thinking I should give him a gift to encourage him. What do you think of these seat covers? How legit would he look riding the course with a bear, dog, or goat (?) between his legs. You would be intimidated!

Bragging

2008-05-15T09:36:00.004-04:00

We just purchased this new painting for our living room and I am completely in love with it. If I felt better I would spend my evenings staring at it from different angles, instead I am spending my time staring at the back of my eyelids waiting for the NyQuil hallucinations to start.

Just to be a bit more boastful, that awesome bench was designed and built by my husband. My Mom and I made the cushion. It took us 8+ hours to sew the slipcover, but I think the end product is phenomenal.

The painting was purchased at Pad in Fells Point, for more information go to http://www.esucasa.com

Random Thought

2008-05-13T17:28:00.001-04:00

Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold...how does it know?

Mmmm, popcorn

2008-05-13T13:03:00.007-04:00

Goes great with a Dr. Pepper lipsmacker.

Men and Movies

2008-05-13T09:39:00.003-04:00

Why do men think it is acceptable to start watching a movie when it is half over?? For example, in my house the two men decided to start watching a certain war movie this weekend. Mr. Loaf commented that he enjoyed the opening scenes, so we watched the first 20 minutes of the movie. Then we decided to watch a show about Killer Ice (put hands above head and start screaming as you run in circles). A hour later, we resumed watching the war movie which had 45 minutes left. I questioned the point of watching something that was half over and I was scoffed at for not getting it.

Breakfast of Champions

2008-05-13T09:30:00.002-04:00

Make mine green, as in mucus...that's right another sinus infection. Nothing like waking up to a breakfast of phlegm.